stayingstrong

Life is a battle.

Just done

I love you. I love many things about our marriage and about our life. I think you will be a wonderful father and I so want to have a family with you. I fell in love with you because you are a sweet and generous man, in so many ways. You are one of the last “good guys” on the planet, I think. You are caring and trustworthy in every way. I never doubt your love for me. I hope that you fully understand how much I love you and want us to have a wonderful and fulfilling relationship in every way… but
 you have hurt me countless times. You were insensitive, inconsiderate, indifferent and you have betrayed my trust, You have been irritable, shouty aggressive. You’re not so loving although  I have done just the same. I’m really trying to do better,  I sincerely apologize to you for my part that hurt our relationship.I have a tremendous amount of anger and hurt and resentment and I know it has negatively impacted almost every interaction that we have/had. I have spilled my heart out to you on numerous occasions about what I want and need from this marriage. Do you have any idea how hard that is for me, knowing that I am talking to a person who has never spilled his heart out to me? Never wanted to really think about how to even get to that point in our relationship? Or, maybe you have. But I wouldn’t know because you don’t share that with me.  I can’t even count the number of ways in which you show me that you love me by doing little things for me. You take care of me when I am in need…. illness wise. But for some reason, you continue to not be able to take care of me emotionally. And this is not about sex, and it is not about love. I know with every bone in my body that you love me. I have never questioned that. I certainly hope that you have never questioned that I love you. It’s how you treat me, it’s how you handle it, it’s not okay.  I never stopped loving you and I never forget what a wonderful person you are and how much joy you brought me. That gave me the strength and hope to go on. But the pain became too much to bear and I could not continue to live the way we were, The past five months have been a difficult passage of time for me, the most emotionally traumatic in my life. We seemed to start recovery in the beginning, only to slip and fail again. I am still feeling the hurt and pain from everything, your words, and my memories.  I feel like I am nothing to you, I do know that I want to feel like a person again.  Not a nothing. Not like an object of ridicule. You have a way that makes me feel like I’m nobody or I’m not enough for you and I wish you weren’t one of these people who does that. When I met you, you made me feel like I was only girl for you, but ever since you got into the army, and we got married. You changed and it scares me… i tried to talk to you, and fix our problem.. i just can’t put myself through this anymore, I’m not saying I want a divorce but I can’t handle getting hurt over and over. I’ve been through so much and I know you do and I really try not to hurt you.. at this point I want to be selfless and not to hurt you anymore because all we do is push each other away and hurt each other. I can’t do that to a human beging because that’s not who I am, and i have no idea what have happened to us. It’s not bring dramatic but I do love you and I want the best for you and me, and i can’t see us treating each other like this. We don’t deserve that..

I don’t want you to leave.

But I think it would probably be the best thing for both of us.

I have a tremendous amount of anger and hurt and resentment and I know it has negatively impacted almost every interaction that we have/had. I truly believe that a lot of those feelings have been generated by something that is beyond your control (adhd). But I don’t know how not to take it personally, nor do I know that I’d ever be able to learn how to. Maybe I’m just not a big enough person.

I do know that I want to feel like a person again. Not a nothing. Not like an object of ridicule.

I want to feel like I will have some sort of a future.
Something more than just continued struggling.
I want to feel like someday, I/we might be able to live someplace of my/our own choosing.
I want to not worry about doing things that makes you mad.
I want to be able to avail ourselves of services for which we easily qualify, without the stress level being suicidally high every time.
I want our kids to grow up with more stability and security than they have now. More than anything, I want this.

I don’t know if you leaving is going to lend itself to any of that, but I am pretty sure that “being pleasant” is never, ever going to provide or contribute to any of those things.

I guess I don’t believe that you “hate” me. I guess I think what you “feel” toward me is just plain old apathy. Which might be even worse. Nothing. I know that all of my anger and hurt and resentment have contributed to that, but by your own admission, I am not in your thoughts when you call me names and mimic me. I am not in your thoughts when you consistently decline to meet any number of the needs I’ve very clearly expressed to you. I am not in your thoughts when you post hurtful things on Facebook and then by way of “apology”, block me from seeing your account at all. I am nowhere. I have a very hard time believing I ever have been.

Maybe all of the negative feelings and emotions I’ve been carrying around and contending with really have made me into the terrible person you’d have me believe I am. But even if that’s true, I think - think - that I should have at least a little bit more than this.

And though I don’t FEEL like I am, according to you, “the meanest person you’ve ever met”, obviously, I must be. To you. And you deserve more than this too.

My heart is broken.

Send me “hey” for a blog rate :)

Heyy :)

(Source: feellng)

Jenny Schecter, from The L Word (via violentwavesofemotion)

I don’t think that we really have a choice in the people that we fall for.

flacamaritza:

TRIGGER WARNING: SELF HARM, DEPRESSION, CUTTING, BLOOD

request: "We’ll get you help."

(Source: lwordforever)

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